A is for ANXIETY (or more appropriately “Aaahhhh!!”): Will the dress look okay? Will the cake arrive on time? Will your drunken uncle Wilber pinch all the bridesmaids bottoms?
Nobody knows, but one thing is for certain – you’re going to experience bucket loads of anxiety from now and until you finally bid your guests goodnight. Accept it now and you may just get through the experience alive.
B is for BRIDE: It’s your day so don’t let anyone spoil it for you. Make sure you look better than your bridesmaids by making them wear peach. It works every time.
C is for CAKE: Why is so much money spent on something so few eat? Avoid those horrible three-tiered icing-sugar monstrosities and opt for something your guests will actually appreciate – tiramisu anyone?
D is for DRINK (and lots of it!): Let’s face it. Women get more out of weddings than guys do. The only appealing prospect a wedding holds for a man is the opportunity to get nicely tanked up with a few of his buddies. Don’t hold back on the free booze – it’ll ensure you’re still being toasted long after you’ve gone to bed.
E is for ELEGANT. Which is how you’ll look. Trust us.
F is for FUN: Remember, your wedding day is meant to be fun. Which it will be once you remember to invite all your guests, book the hotel, hire the band, pay the photographer, choose a menu, pick a dress, etc, etc……..
G is for GENEROUS: Let’s hope your guests are. Sure a toaster is a handy household appliance but it ain’t nothing compared to that Jacuzzi you’ve had your eye on. Which leads us nicely on to….
H is for HINTS: Along the lines of; “I hear Jacuzzis have really come down in price recently. Yeah, one would fit perfectly in our spare room……but anyway, back to my wedding!”
I is for IN-LAWS: Congratulations! You’re now the proud owner of a new mother and father-in-law! In-laws are like a lottery. You could hit the jackpot and inherit in-laws you like. Chances are, however, your feelings for them will range somewhere between mild irritation and blind, homicidal hatred.
J is for JAGUAR: arrive at your wedding in style. Hire a jag for the day. Or a Rolls Royce. Or a Ferrari. To hell with it, hire a hot air balloon!
K is for KARATE: It could come in handy should your betrothed decide to ditch you at the altar. Make them suffer!
LOVE: That’s why you’re standing at the altar wearing those silly clothes, remember? Amidst all the chaos, don’t forget to flash your partner a soppy smile and tell them how much you love them.
M is for MUSIC: A good wedding band can ensure your big day remains in your guests’ collective memory for years. Unfortunately, a bad wedding band can ensure the exact same result. Any band which offers to play ‘The Birdie Song’ should immediately be disregarded.
N is for NUTS: which you are for inviting 350 people to your wedding. But there’s no backing out now!
O is for “OH MY GOD!” This phrase will be heard on my occasions. When the bride comes walking up the aisle looking radiantly beautiful. And when her parents see the bill for sending her up there.
P is for PEACH: Remember! The bridesmaids must wear peach!
Q is for QUESTIONS: As in, “how do I organize a wedding?” No-one really knows. Just make it up as you go along.
R is for RELATIONS: this will be the first opportunity many of your relations will have to meet their new in-laws. It could mark the beginning of many life-long friendships. Or life-long feuding. Remove all sharp cutlery from the tables if the latter looks more likely.
S is for SEX: There once was a time when a wedding night was the first opportunity a man and woman had to fully express their love for one another. But being the cheeky little monkeys that you no doubt are, it’s probably nothing new to you. But hey, practice makes perfect, right?!
T is for THRESHOLD: It’s a tradition so get it right. Unacceptable variations on the theme include hitting your bride’s head off the door jam, dropping her on her bum or inflicting a bodily injury of any kind.
U is for UNEXPECTED: the bridesmaid will elope with the vicar, the photographer will turn out to be colourblind, the keyboardist will turn out to be Stevie Wonder. Who knows? Just be prepared for anything.
V is for VODKA: keep the best man away from it, at least until his speech is over. We’re sure the stag-party visit to Bangkok was “totally awesome” but we’re also sure that the bride’s parents don’t need to hear about it.
W is WHISKY: ditto.
X is for…er, XYLOPHONE: Your wedding band may have one of these. Equally, they may not. (x is a difficult letter, okay?!)
Y is for YAWN: this is exactly what you don’t want to hear during your reception. Remember – yawns are highly infectious. Once one person starts, they’ll spread through the crowd quicker than a case of SARS. Buy the culprit a Red Bull and Vodka immediately and insist that they dance with your great-aunt Maureen as punishment.
Z is for ZZZZZZZZZZ: that’s the sound you’ll be making at the end of your big day. It may have cost thousands of pounds and put you into bankruptcy, but hey, you got through it alive! Congratulations!